Place of My Own

So odd… Now that my large family has gone off on vacations, I am left alone rather forlorn in our large, run-down but comfortable house.

At any rate, now that they are gone, I am rather nonplussed. Not just by the silences – although the dog has taken to mournfully howling… But also, the fact that I have to cook for my 2 sisters and myself. It’s good for me to practice – nevertheless, awkward. Maybe because nothing is properly stocked (Mom took alot with her). The fridge is more like Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. Since I’m already a rather… bad cook, it’s worse when I can’t find good ingredients to cook with. What I have found that I can use:

bacon
pre-made, boilable porogies
french fries
potato cream mix
tomato soup cans
1 cream of mushroom can
pasta
pasta sauce
canned sliced pineapples (also two crushed pineapple cans)
oatmeal

No kettle to put tea in (we have to use the coffee maker glassware)… Ah well.

So here I am trailing around, listening to my music and humming tunelessly as I clean up, do dishes of my own volition, clean the stove top, thinking up crazy cooking ideas…

*has Musuo Hana’s first line stuck in her head now*

And I realize that I have gotten proprietary in a way that I have never felt before. Maybe it’s because I know that I will be owning my own apartment for the first time in my life. Or maybe it’s because my mother is gone, and with her, all her powers over this house.

A while back, two women told me two seperate things, with a space of several months (or more) in between. Although seemingly unrelated, perhaps, their statements have more relativity towards my life than I thought – at least, more than ever before, this must be true.

Quote 1:
“You must be nesting,” the one told me.
“Nesting?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “You need your own space now – and you’re getting ready to leave. That’s why everything you own is only in your bedroom.”

Quote 2:
“A kitchen can only belong to one woman,” the other said wisely, nodding her head.

So true.

I look forward to the fruition of these feelings – perhaps it will blossom into something mature and beautiful.

Poetry: Dark Night of the Soul [Reprised]

Dark Night of the Soul [Reprised]

There are times I stand -
I walk alone…
When helpless I turn
around and around.
You will be there
to help and hold.

Ironic… that…

When I am humbled most,
Your strength in me
will heal me whole.
It is revealed
the times I stood…

I had not stood alone.

-

I wrote this during a really dark time in my life when I seemed to have become a failure (in my eyes). But looking back on that time, I realized that I had learned so many important lessons. I hope I never forget those things… and this poem is yet another reminder.

Saying Goodbye

So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
- “Porcelain” by Moby

“Porcelain” by Moby is a very negative goodbye. There is this feeling of hurt and regret… So perhaps, this song doesn’t best describe my feelings.

So long, Frank Lloyd Wright.
I can’t believe your song is gone so soon.
I barely learned the tune
So soon
So soon.
- “So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright” by Simon & Garfunkel

There is this feeling of life being too brief. As I say goodbye to so many of my friends (and siblings), I feel like I’ve not had the chance to really enjoy them for who they are right now. There is regret over the lack of time we have as humans to get to know each other….

But then, saying goodbye is really hard for everyone. When I say goodbye… I feel numb. Flummoxed. I don’t know what to do. I rarely say goodbye to my friends… because it’s so awkward…

When I said goodbye to Michiru, I didn’t know what to do. I felt stupid and retarded. And although I hugged her, I felt it was all so inadequate.

Then I said goodbye to my brother. He is dear to me – born so soon after me… he was there before I was even aware of myself as having an ego, if you think about it… And he’s off to our capital, Ottawa, for a year… but thanks to finance issues… I’ll not be able to take off a weekend to visit him. Which is not good if my chance to go to China works out…. So that inadequate goodbye… may have to suffice 2 years of seperation.

And also, I watched a good friend get married. For me that is another form of goodbye. Since I am incapable of sharing…. When I hugged her and wished her well, another part of me felt numb and unsure of what to say. Because she is going into a world I cannot follow.

Of course, I’m emotionally retarded – and in my busyness over China applications – it only until now that I can sort out how I feel…

Saying goodbye is hard for people who have less and therefore more to lose.
So in these silences, I will feel the pain of seperation for a moment…

And mourn the loss of friends to phases in life. And siblings. And muses…

I touch my face and realize that for the first time this year (as far as I can remember)…
I am crying…

Farewell, my brave Hobbits. My work is now finished. Here at last, on the shores of the sea… Comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say, “Do not weep”, for not all tears are an evil.

- Gandalf, The Return of the King

Life Going On

Now we’re back to the beginning
It’s just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can’t feel it too
Doesn’t mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
‘Til they’re before your eyes

You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

- “The Call” by Regina Spektor

This song really sums up things for me right now. There is this feeling inside me – I can’t explain it. A sense of saying hello and goodbye at the same time. And sometimes, I am frightened by what the future holds. I know, I know… if you go with God it should be all good… And there is security in knowing that He will be there to uphold you… But.

But. There is a natural human tendency to hold onto the comfortable and the familiar… And I am one of those types who loves things to be the same for a long time.

“Nothing will change, Jo.” Laurie said to Jo in Little Women… but Jo and most of us realize that things DO change. And I must stay positive in the face of this.

So change. Change means also admitting that yes, Summer is basically here. And summer being here – means wearing more skirts and shorts and lighter clothing. And that also means shaving my legs. So in a spastic OCD moment, I did. (shave my legs, that is) I hope that in the weeks to come I’ll have more of those spastic moments and get with the program – and admit that, yes, life is moving on – and let’s enjoy it while it lasts.